I’m not completely sure why I’m writing this down, but I think the main reason is that it’s turning me on. Let’s be honest, though — the reason you’re reading this in the first place is that it’s turning you on as well, so we’re kind of in the same boat here.
My name is Lisa. I was born in Germany in 1991. This story is about how I discovered my sexuality, and how I started to fall in love with my sister Bo when I was about fourteen and she eleven. About half of the story is true, the other half is wishful thinking, so you could think of these as my embellished memoirs.
My mom was an office clerk. My dad worked for a company that stocked building centres. He travelled in his car a lot, and usually wasn’t home for most of the week. My parents had been brought up as Jehovah’s Witnesses, and that’s how they raised Bo and me. They divorced a few years after the events of this story took place.
My parents stopped being actively religious when I was eleven or twelve. After getting married, they’d gone from door to door instead of pursuing careers, trying to save people because the end of the world was supposedly imminent. When Armageddon didn’t come, they became disillusioned, stopped proselytizing and didn’t take us to the weekly congregations anymore. We still sort of believed in the doctrines, though, so Bo and I grew up thinking that premarital sex wasn’t okay, drugs were evil, et cetera.
I was around thirteen when I first became aware that I even had something like sexuality. I was reading Stephen King’s It, which I had sneakily borrowed from the library. My mom had told me not to read it because she was afraid that demons might live inside, but after skimming the first few pages at the library, my curiosity got the better of me.
Reading the book was exciting enough because it was full of horror and evil beings, both otherworldly and human, and it really gets what it’s like to be eleven years old. But near the climax of the book, it goes into crazy taboo territory – child sexuality. Seven friends, six guys and a girl, have defeated the evil demon, or at least they think they have. They try to escape from Its lair and find their way back again, but they get lost. Beverly says she knows what to do. They’re in the dark, but the guys can hear her strip naked, and she proceeds to have sex with all six of them. It’s written very beautifully, from Beverly’s perspective, full of emotion and tenderness. How it managed to be published though, I have no idea.
Reading that scene gave me feelings I’d never had before. I was in shock from having found a book with a sex scene, which would have been bad enough to read for a pious girl. But not only that, it was about sex between children, which would have been unacceptable to think about even for someone who wasn’t religious. Beverly was two years younger than me, too. It sounded so beautiful though; beautiful, exciting, amazing. How could it be a bad thing?
After I hid the book in my desk drawer and turned out the lights, I lay in bed thinking about what I’d read, seeing the scene clearly in my mind. Without even thinking about it, I slipped out of my pyjama pants. The softness of the blanket on my naked legs felt amazing. I shivered even though I was warm.
With my eyes closed, I slid the palm of my hand between my legs, resting softly on my panties, right over my pussy. I could feel my heart pulsing in my chest. There was an unfamiliar warmth inside me, radiating out from my pelvis. I hooked one thumb underneath the waistband of my panties, nestling it between the cotton and my skin. I enjoyed that feeling for a while. Then I slid in my other thumb, lifted my back, and pulled my panties down between my knees where I left them. Slowly, I moved my fingers back up my thigh.
It was late at night, and Bo was already asleep in her room next door. I wasn’t thinking at all about what I was doing. I just lay on my bed, stroking myself for what felt like an hour, although it couldn’t have been that long. I kept going and going, gently and slowly, building up to some kind of release. When I finally went over the edge and came, I squinted my eyes and squeezed my legs together, trapping my fingers over my mound. The feeling was so intense that it was painful, but I hadn’t known that pain could feel this beautiful. It only lasted three or four seconds.
Afterwards, I realized that I’d been holding my breath and exhaled forcefully, relaxing all of the muscles in my body. I opened my eyes in the dark, panting a little, and stared in the general direction of the ceiling — although I couldn’t be sure, since “up” and “down” were categories that didn’t exist for me right then.
Once back in my body, I started reflecting. I realised that what I had just done was called masturbating, and that we’d talked about it in school. Back then, I’d been disgusted at the idea of people doing it. Now I felt bad and awkward. I had given myself an orgasm!
Our biology teacher had once said in passing that masturbating was okay and that orgasms could feel beautiful. To my memory, the subject had never been explicitly discussed in congregation, but we were told on other occasions not to trust everything we were taught in biology — like the theory of evolution — so I was still scared that masturbating might be a bad thing anyway. At the same time, the sensation had been amazing. I had the uneasy feeling that I was going to do it again. I knew that if I did, it would be something that was only for me, and only for when I was alone.
I didn’t fall asleep for a while. My mind was racing and my body glowing. I melted into the universe slowly.
*****
A few days later, I started browsing the internet for information whenever no one was looking. My mom had a computer in the lobby that Bo and I used all the time. I hadn’t masturbated since that first night, but I kept thinking about it. It made me feel shameful, but at the same time, I’d become incredibly curious and wanted to know more. I read websites about female masturbation, with stories and tips from older girls. I also found out about the function of my clit, an organ which, oddly enough, had never been discussed in school.
My mom had talked about puberty and sex with me in a straightforward way when I was around ten, so when I started my period at age twelve, I was pretty well prepared for it. I felt at ease when we talked about my body, but Mom had never brought up the topic of masturbation. So initially, something inside of me still felt like I wasn’t normal. However, over the course of my online sessions, I realized that a lot of girls, maybe even most girls, masturbated. None of them seemed to think it was bad.
Eventually, I decided that masturbating must probably be okay after all, but that it would be best to keep my interest in it hidden from Mom and Dad. Thankfully, I knew how to clear a browser’s cache. I also suspected that my parents didn’t even know what a browser cache was.
As I became more comfortable with my fascination about the topic, my motive for reading masturbation stories gradually changed, from sheer curiosity to something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. A lot of the times I read those stories, the warmth that I’d felt in my pelvis the first time I touched myself came back to me. Sometimes, it would start to ache as I kept on reading. In the back of my mind, I knew what I’d have to do if I wanted to relieve myself, but even though I’d rationally come to think of it as acceptable, I still felt scared to actually go through with it.
*****
Around two months after I’d first played with myself, I was on the computer one Friday or Saturday around 9PM, talking to friends at my main online home, a message board and chatroom about Gorillaz, one of my favourite bands. Bo was already in her bedroom upstairs, and my dad wasn’t home.
When I heard Mom get up from the living room couch and plod over to the lobby where I was, I could tell that she was tired. Sure enough, when she came through the door, she said, “I’m heading to bed. I think you should go to sleep soon, too.”
I told her, “I’m still talking to my friends. Most of them live overseas, so we can’t talk when it’s daytime over here. Can I stay up for another hour or two, please? It’s the weekend, anyway.”
Mom thought about it, then said, “Okay. Just don’t stay up past midnight.”
Thrilled, I got up and hugged her. “Thank you, Mom! Good night, sleep well. Now off you go.”
She laughed. “Night, Lisa.”
By the time she was walking upstairs to her bedroom, I was already typing in the address of my favourite female masturbation forum. As I heard Mom close her bedroom door, I clicked on a thread titled, “What gets you in the mood?” Reading this forum, I thought.
“Thinking about this boy I like,” one girl said.
“Soaping up in the shower,” another offered.
“I don’t know, it just keeps happening to me randomly. Without even thinking about anything sexy, I suddenly become aware of my pussy and how good it would feel to touch it right now. It’s almost creepy!” someone had written.
I thought she was exactly right. Thinking about masturbation is what got me in the mood for masturbation. Turned me on, as the older girls called it. It was a self-perpetuating thing, seemingly without a connection to everyday life, mysterious. That’s why the thought of it was so exciting. The mystery made it feel powerful and spiritual — even more so because I was only indulging in the concept of it, while withholding the actual sensation from myself.
Just pondering that one comment got my body started. My temples were pulsing and my palms sweaty. My head felt too warm and I was getting dizzy. Most importantly, there was a throbbing in my lower body that felt at once sweet and aching. It almost made me nauseous.
I scrolled down the page. One person had posted a link. “This video always turns me on. I just love watching other people enjoy themselves,” she had said.
I felt something swirling and rumbling in the back of my brain. This is a porno, I thought. I’m definitely not supposed to watch pornos.
The sound of the mouse button scared me. The only other sound in the lobby was the constant low hum of the computer fan. I had clicked the link. A new browser window opened up, and a page with a video started loading. Alarmed, I immediately hit the pause button, then checked the speakers. The green LED was glowing. I turned them off.
I could get my headphones from my room, said a voice in the back of my brain.
Wait, Lisa, are you really gonna watch that video? my rational side replied.
I’m just saying.
Mom only just went to bed. Wouldn’t she think it was weird if she heard you walking to your room after you just asked her to stay up to talk to your friends?
What if I needed to get the headphones to listen to a song somebody showed me?
Fair enough. I gulped.
The video was only two and a half minutes long, but this was 2004, and our DSL connection was slow. From the progress bar, I could tell that it would take around five minutes to buffer fully.
Look, I told myself, why don’t you go upstairs, snag your headphones, and when you come back, you can still decide if you wanna watch it?
Yeah, why don’t you? the other voice taunted.
I walked upstairs as quietly as possible. Maybe Mom was asleep already and I didn’t want to disturb her. I went to my room, turned on the light and found my headphones.
I picked them up and looked at them blankly. What would I hear if I watched that video? I wondered.
Why don’t you go back and find out? the voice whispered.
As I passed by Mom’s room, I tried to hear if she was snoring, but everything was quiet. By the time I’d made my way back downstairs, the video had buffered more than halfway. It was paused on the first frame, a girl in just a t-shirt and panties sitting cross-legged on a bed, looking above the camera — probably at the person behind it.
The girl was cute. She looked to be in her twenties, maybe thirty? Not like she’s up to anything evil, I thought. I plugged my headphones into the computer. The video was almost fully buffered.
I made up my mind. I’m gonna watch a porno, I’m gonna watch a porno, I’m gonna watch a porno, my brain kept repeating. I clicked the play button.
“Hello,” said the girl and waved at the camera.
“Tell them your name,” a man’s voice said. He sounded friendly.
“I’m Melanie,” said the girl.
“Take your clothes off, Mel.”
Melanie took off her shirt. Her boobs weren’t big, but they were mesmerizing to me. I followed their motion as Melanie straightened her legs, lifted up her butt and took off her panties. She looked at the cameraman again, grinned, and flung her panties in his direction. “Hey,” he protested, then they both laughed.
The camera zoomed in on her a little bit. She was sitting with her arms wrapped around her legs, swaying a little. “Come on, Mel,” the guy said softly. Melanie smiled, let go of her legs and propped herself up against a huge pillow behind her. She relaxed and slowly opened her legs.
When her vulva came into view, I felt like my head was about to explode. I’d never seen an aroused pussy before. Her lips were deep red, slightly open and glistening with a soft sheen. I only got a full view for about two seconds before Melanie’s hand covered her vulva. She started petting her lips, but then she looked up at the camera for a second, laughed and turned her head, closing up her legs around her hand.
“Mel,” the guy said.
“Don’t look at me,” she protested.
“Okay,” he chuckled. She glanced at him and he must have turned the other way, because she opened her legs again.
Melanie dragged her index finger between her lips, then started circling her clit with it, cautious at first. When she seemed sure the guy wasn’t looking, she relaxed some more and focused on her task. She was using all her fingers now, gently stroking her pussy in circles.
My own pussy was pulsating. It almost hurt.
As Melanie was picking up speed, she started to moan softly. Listening on headphones, it sounded like she was moaning right next to me. I shuddered. My heart felt like it was melting in my chest. “Oh, oh, oh!” she said, then she came. Her hand stopped moving and her face scrunched up. Her butt lifted slightly off the bed, and she let out a long, sighing moan. “Oooh.”
“That was beautiful,” the guy said. Melanie’s eyes were still closed, but she smiled. Her cheeks were flushed. The video cut out.
I was really worked up. My breath was coming fast. I could feel sweat gathering on my forehead. My face felt flushed. I was clinging to the edge of my chair and my toes were curled up. My pelvis felt like it was filled up with hot jelly. I clicked the replay button.
I watched the video all over again, but this time, when Melanie started playing with her pussy, I put my hand in my pants, over my panties, and cupped my own pussy. I didn’t know if I was imagining it, but I thought I could feel it pulse with my heartbeat.
I put my hand inside my panties, on my pussy. It was almost like touching a hot stove. I was getting really light-headed. I kept my hand nestled against my pussy until the end of the video. When the sound stopped, I realized I was panting. I just sat there for half a minute with my hand in my panties, then I took off the headphones, closed the webpage and turned off the computer.
I picked up my headphones and walked upstairs. Feeling lightheaded, I needed to hold on to the rail. As I passed my mom’s bedroom, I forced myself to breathe through my nose to make less noise.
When I got into my room, my thoughts were racing again, but there was only one voice this time. I’m going to touch myself. I’m going to masturbate. I’m gonna play with my pussy. I’m horny. I need to tend to this urge. If I don’t touch myself, I’m gonna explode.
I stripped down naked in front of my bed and crawled underneath the blanket. I was still panting. When my hand found my pussy, I whimpered a little. This was not gonna be like the first time, sweet and slow. This was urgent.
I used my left hand to spread my lips and touched my clit with my right hand. The direct contact felt like a bolt of lightning zapping through my body, and I jumped. I realized that as I was panting, I was also making voiced “huh” sounds, and forced myself to stop doing that.
My hand was trembling as I brushed my fingers lightly but more and more rapidly over my clit. It only took half a minute until I came. I squeezed my legs together tightly with my hand clamped over my pussy and let out a quiet, high-pitched wail.
My whole being was wrapped up in that orgasm. It was the best feeling I’d ever had.
I stayed on the plateau for a while, tried to cling to it. It subsided and I thought it was over, but then a smaller second wave came over me, like a miniature version of the first one.
That aftershock faded too, but my mind was still going. I watched a porno, I masturbated again, I watched Melanie play with her pussy, then I did the same, I was horny, I watched a porno, it’s forbidden, I touched my clit, and I came, and I watched a porno, and I masturbated. Then my lights went out.
Continue on to Chapter 2