By Jane Doe
Lana
Lucy and I are walking down the clogged hallways to my locker, talking about class, boys, who said what about who… normal high school topics. Actually, it’s mostly her talking, and I just listen and smile and nod at the right times. Or laugh when I can’t help it.
I’m rummaging through my locker, looking for my calculus book when her chattering trails off, and she nudges my arm gently. Not much could stop her from talking, so I give her a questioning look and she’s looking past me, a charming smile on her lips that’s usually reserved for boys of interest.
I let my gaze shift and follow hers, and to my great surprise I find Dean Radcliff sidling up next to me, leaning against the lockers and looking about as suave as any guy I’ve ever known could. His dark hair perfectly tousled just so, shaggy enough to offset his light blue eyes, sparkling clear and surrounded by dark lashes. He’s got just a faint smile, showing off his straight white teeth between his faintly pink lips, softer and fuller than most boys, at least in look.
And to my shock, I have this minor godling of masculine sex appeal close by, with me as his object of attention… and what do I feel? Nothing at all, really.
I must have looked as puzzled as I felt because his smile widens and takes on a vaguely reassuring aspect.
He offers his hand. “Hey, I’m Dean. You’re Lana, right?”
I take his hand lightly and he gives mine a gentle squeeze, leaning down and planting a soft kiss on my knuckles. The cogs in my head are whirling, and any normal girl would be weak in the knees and totally enchanted by this point. What the hell is wrong with me? All I want is to be normal, but then why–
I realize he’s watching me expectantly, and even so it takes me a moment to find my tongue.
“Yeah, I’m Lana… nice to meet you, Dean.” I think my voice is a bit weak as I speak, but I don’t suppose he finds that strange. Oddly enough, that idea makes me a bit angry. Guys like him and Craig, thinking they can charm girls into putty so they can do as they please.
He smiles again and gives my hand another gentle squeeze before letting it go. “The pleasure is all mine. I heard you and Craig had a little split, I take it you told him where… well, he couldn’t shove it?”
“Yeah, that I did. And he wasn’t too pleased about it. But really, if that was all he was interested in I can do a lot better.” I pull my calculus book out, wondering if maybe I’ve just been put off boys in general by the whole Craig experience.
“In that case… I was hoping you might give me a try.” His shy smile seems plastic to me, like it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Maybe Friday would work for you?”
I think for a moment, desperate for an excuse before I realize I don’t have to make one up. “Sorry, I promised my sister I’d chill with her on Friday. You know, girls night in.”
“Ah, that’s cool. Well, why don’t you pick a day, then?” He looks a bit downcast, but somehow I can’t bring myself to be sympathetic, as once again it doesn’t quite ring genuine.
“How about I call you and let you know? You’re in the directory, right?”
“Yeah, my number’s there. And if you need a bit more time before you want to date again or whatever, that’s cool too. Just think of me first, okay?” He seems a bit happier at the avoidance of a straight shoot down, and I’m wondering if perhaps I’m being a bit harsh.
“Sure thing Dean, I’ll talk to you later.” I say with a smile as I close my locker and turn to head for calculus class, Lucy right at my elbow.
I can feel her wanting to burst, I’m sure she had just as much going through her head during that exchange as I did. Finally when we’re down the hall and around the corner the dam breaks.
“Oh. My. God! I can’t believe you just did that! Turning down a date with Dean for your little sister!? Are you insane?” She spouts it all with such drama, as though the words were positively ripped from her throat.
“What? I promised her… and I don’t break promises. Anyways. I mean, who says I always have to be dating someone?”
“That wasn’t `someone,’ that was Dean Radcliff! Come on, he has to be like the hottest, smartest, most charming and most eligible guy in school! And you blew him off for your sister?”
“It’s been hard on her since we got here… she doesn’t make friends too easily, she really relies on me.”
“Well, maybe if she wasn’t such a little freak, she’d have an easier time making friends. You shouldn’t have to suffer for her social issues.”
I’m not really sure what happened then. Anger boiled up inside me like a burning, living thing. I stopped dead in my tracks and glared at her, and the heated venom in my belly must have shown in my face because she almost wilted.
“Never, ever talk about Jen like that,” I hissed. “You don’t even fucking know her!”
Seething, I headed off to class. As I calmed down my thoughts returned to my lack of interest in Dean — or really, any other guy. Maybe I’m just not ready for any kind of relationship so soon after the Craig fiasco. But as I continue thinking about it, I’m asking myself, What do I really find attractive about boys?
I think back to all of my past boyfriends — how I felt about them, what kind of relationships we had. They were all distant, it seems to me. We were generally there to look good together, and in middle school, that makes sense. And the affection part is nice, even if it’s been kisses and not much else.
I was beginning to wonder: am I even interested in having a serious boyfriend?
When it comes to guys, what I think of as my “type” is so incredibly generic it’s silly. Basically, my type is what any father would want his son to be. Handsome, generally good at sports, decently intelligent or at least sweet… In retrospect, I think the guy I liked best was actually probably the dimmest one I’ve dated. But even then, was there any genuine chemistry between us? I don’t think so.
So if I don’t want a boyfriend, what do I want? I mean, I’m young and I don’t have to figure everything out right now, but I should get some sort of clue. I certainly don’t like the idea of going through life alone. I scan the classroom and ponder.
Lucy doesn’t find me again until after school, when she slinks up, almost like a scared cat. Seeing the apologetic look on her face, I can’t stay mad at her — one look at her deep brown eyes and my anger seems to melt away.
“Hey, Lana, I’m really sorry… I was just…” She looks so hesitant and apologetic.
I just smile and throw an arm around her shoulders. “It’s okay, Lucy, I’m sorry I got so angry. She’s my little sister and I’m a bit overprotective, I guess.”
She grins up at me, eyes sparkling happily, and slides her own arm around my waist.
Maybe this is what I want.
*****
Jen
I headed out to the parking lot, scanning about for my sister. It only took a moment to spot her over by our car, goofing off with Lucy. I paused and just looked on for a moment, watching her and Lucy laughing and talking. To see her smiling like that, so happy and free. In that moment I love her all the more. It makes me feel like my heart is going to burst, but in a good way.
I jog on over, darting in and half-tackling my big sis, making her squeal happily and clutch at me to keep from falling over. I can’t help but laugh and begin a tickle assault on her, because mercy is for the weak. Unfortunately, I made a miscalculation. I might be able to take on Lana, but her and Lucy at the same time? Not likely. Soon I was reduced to a giggling mess trying to shelter myself against the car.
They relent in their attacks and I slowly regain my breath, still breaking into giggles now and then, grinning up at them. Mostly at Lana. Her hair is a bit mussed, blowing in the breeze and her cheeks are flushed bright pink, a gorgeous smile as radiant as the sun itself lingering on her lips. Then a thought occurs to me.
“Shotgun!” I call out as I lunge and slide over the hood to the passenger side, nearly falling as I reach the edge of the car. Lana looks briefly stunned before collapsing into gales of laughter, and Lucy chases after me protesting and seeking to renew the tickle assault. Too bad for her she’s lost her cohort in crime. We wrestle about tickling one another and trying to take control of the front passenger side door until Lana, always the responsible one, ends it.
“Come on Lucy, fair is fair, she called it.” She’s still smiling happily as she says it, and I grin triumphantly at the little brunette. “Now both of you get in before I make you walk home.”
We scramble into the car like chastised little children, and once Lana is satisfied we’ve calmed down enough to not be a danger to ourselves or anyone else on the road, we take off. Soon the two of them are chatting away about whatever `important’ is going on at school and I just relax, staring out the window and enjoying the feel of them there.
Somehow paying attention only to their voices instead of what they’re saying makes me happy inside. It’s like by filtering out the supposed meaning and simply listening to the music of their voices, I can hear what they’re really trying to say. Or maybe I’m just hearing what they feel. Regardless, I’m flying high and so are they… and that’s what’s important, isn’t it?
I’m pretty far out there and contemplating what happiness might taste like, or if the color blue feels fuzzy to the touch — then Lucy pokes my shoulder.
“Hey, you! You should be feeling really special right about now. You have a not only awesome but also incredibly devoted sister.”
“Well, yeah, I’ve known that for years. It’s taken you this long to catch that newsflash?” I retort, smiling back at her over my shoulder. I notice Lana blushing a bit out of the corner of my eye and it makes me feel even more proud to have a sister like her.
“Hah! You don’t even know what happened today!” She gives me a smug smirk of sorts and glances over at Lana, also noting her discomfort.
“It’s no big deal, really.” Lana chimes in, waving a hand dismissively as she drives.
“The hell it isn’t, it’s a Dean Radcliff big fucking deal!” Lucy rolls her eyes, as though despairing at the idea of Lana comprehending the gravity of the situation. And my curiosity is perked.
“So then, who is this Dean guy and why is he such a big fucking deal?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at Lucy — doubly curious now that Lana seems to be getting a tad irate.
Lucy gives us yet another dramatic eye roll, as though she were a long suffering missionary delivering the truth unto bored heathens. “Dean Radcliff is only like the hottest, most eligible guy in school. And your big sister turned him down to spend a night watching movies with you! A decision I will never understand.” She settles back in her seat, shaking her head and looking at my sister as though she’s mad as a hatter.
I glance over at Lana, surprised to see that her cheeks have reddened another shade or so. Not only that, she seems to be rather occupied with driving and keeping stray locks of hair brushed back from her face.
She glances over at me ever so briefly, making eye contact for a fraction of a second before returning her gaze to the road. “It’s no big deal, really. When I want to date again, I will. Some of us don’t have to have a boyfriend twenty-four seven, y’know!”
They begin arguing about the importance of boyfriends and I tune them out again. She’d really rather spend a night with me than with this supposedly hot guy. I mean… I don’t know him or anything, so it’s not like I can make a judgment, but she definitely did choose me over a guy, one that maybe wants to be her boyfriend.
I don’t think I stopped smiling all the way home. I know there’s not really any chance of being anything more to her. But I think I can be happy enough with this.
*****
Lana
I was almost relieved when we got home and Jen stayed downstairs to hang out with Lucy and me. I hadn’t even thought about it, but when she plopped down on the couch next to me and started a minor war over the remote control, I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head.
Jen wrestled the remote away from her nemesis and began flipping through the channels like the true surfer she is, so I figured it was time for me to intervene. I wrapped my arms around her, leaning in close over her shoulder and planted a lingering kiss on her cheekbone. She seemed sufficiently stunned when she turned her head and stared at me, so I then lightly plucked the remote from her hands, landing on some old episodes of The Golden Girls. I suppose there’s nothing like old women making jokes about sex to get us all chattering and laughing like twelve-year-olds, and we end up having a really good time.
It got late far too fast, so rather than making something I opt for the lazy way out and order pizza with the discretionary allowance Dad makes available in case I need groceries when he’s out.
Jen almost seems a little disappointed when Lucy gets the okay from her parents to spend the night; another plus to having Dad pretty much let me run the house. When we finally head to bed she seems a bit surprised when I demand she stick with us and share my bed, as usual. The three of us fit in it just fine, so why the heck not? And that disappointment vanishes like fog after the sun has risen.
Funny; as it is, Jen just can’t seem to stay awake most of the time in my bed, in stark contrast to her insomnia when she’s alone. She drops off fairly early and Lucy and I stay up, whispering in the dark.
Lying there between my best friend and my little sister, the vague curiosity that I had pushed to the back of my brain muscles its way to the forefront. Curled up on our sides, nearly face to face, nose to nose, Lucy and I talk softly, her voice reverberating through me, her eyes nearly black in the darkness, like dark pools drawing me in. Her lips are curled in a soft smile that seems almost inviting, and I can feel the heat of her body close to mine.
I can feel her warmth flowing into me and those eyes… it’s so easy to get lost in them. I wonder what she’s thinking and what her lips taste like. The curiosity and longing take root in my mind and grow, sprouting like a weed and taking over my thoughts. I’m not even really listening to her anymore. So I decide to cast caution to the wind for once in my life, and just interrupt her.
“Lucy, have you ever, you know… messed around with another girl?”
Her eyes widen for a moment, a bit surprised and then she smiles slyly.
“Oh dear lord, does this mean the good girl has discovered her sex drive?”
I can feel the blood rising to my cheeks, and I’m sure the embarrassment shows on my face in ways other than just blushing.
“I was just wondering, I mean…” My courage has fled off to somewhere in the distance and I’m wilting a bit inside, but she gives me a knowing smile.
“You mean you got used to getting a bit of attention with Craig, but now you don’t have him and aren’t ready for a new guy? It’s not that strange, hon, a lot of girls I know have tried it. After all, guys really like watching that kind of thing.” With that she giggles softly, grinning.
“Yeah… something like that.” How could I tell her that I just don’t think guys are my thing? How could I say that I find her infinitely more sexually attractive than guys at school, even Dean? As much faith as I have in her as my best friend, she’s just too boy crazy. I don’t think she’d ever understand. So… it’s easier just to go with what she says, let the subject drop.
But then she smiles at me again, an excitement in her eyes that makes me quiver inside. “So then… you wanna give it a try?”
Breathlessly I nod, and she pushes me back on the bed, leaning over me. I’m dizzy with anticipation as she moves in close, her hair falling down around my face, locking out the rest of the world and hiding us behind a mahogany veil of silken softness. I lift a hand and gently brush my fingertips along her jaw line, taking in the sweetness of her skin, the smoothness of her cheek, marveling at the feel of her.
Finally her lips meet mine, softly, delicately, so gently… our lips press together in a veritable symphony of sensations, her smell and feel, her warmth above me, her lightness is intoxicating. Everything is so different, so gentle and refined, nothing at all like Craig’s gropings and grabbings. It’s so wonderful and so close to perfect, I lose myself in it as her lips part, her tongue presses gently into my mouth and a perfectly choreographed dance begins, our mouths locked together and tongues entwined…
Suddenly there’s a jerk in bed beside us, and a startled Lucy pulls away. I just barely catch a glimpse of Jen darting out of the room. The door slams behind her and I look up at Lucy, her face mirroring my own puzzlement.
After a moment I get up and try to follow after, heading down the hallway and searching for my little sister. But she’s nowhere to be found. I search downstairs and then return up into her room, just in case she slipped in there before I followed her… but nothing. She’s simply vanished.
*****
Jen
It’s cold outside. I didn’t know where else to run. I can’t face her right now. The siding is frigid against my back and the roofing tiles are rough and harsh on my feet and legs. I let out a long, slow breath and watch the steam it causes drift in the cold night air. Hot tears burn down my cheeks as I turn my gaze to the sky, a dull orange vault overhead.
I hate this place. When we lived in Arizona the sky was almost always clear. Millions of stars shone in the sky every night, the Milky Way a dense band across the sky, almost like some cosmic mother’s milk taunting me, eternally out of reach while somehow offering my soul a strange kind of sustenance. A feeling of not being alone. God, I wish I could see it now. I hate this place and its cloudy sky, the snow, the rain, all of it.
If we were still in Arizona, none of this would have happened. No snow, no crash, none of this. I’d still be blind to her. Ignorance was bliss. I was stupid to think I could really be happy after all that. To think I could be happy, only having her as a sister.
But why the fuck did it have to be Lucy? Why on God’s green earth did it have to be her? Who knows how many dicks that mouth has sucked, what could Lana like so much about that plastic slut?
The tears flow faster, I feel like I want to punch the side of the house, to feel blood flow like the hot salty wetness on my cheeks. I want to scream, to let out everything inside me. To give the emotional pain a physical mirror and maybe just bring an end to all of it. It’s like a rusty knife has been shoved through my heart, sharp enough to puncture, blade rough like the roof under my bare feet, grabbing and ripping the flesh around the wound. It makes me feel sick, like I’m going to puke or maybe I’ll just choke, suffocated because it hurts too much to breathe.
Lana isn’t even into girls, but she was kissing Lucy… or Lucy was kissing her. But I heard something. A noise woke me up. And as much as I try to tell myself it wasn’t Lana, I know in that torn up heart of mine that it was. I’ve been dreaming of that kind of little moan for too long not to recognize it.
The urge to lash out wells up in me again and I have to hold it back. I’ve got to be quiet. I can’t let her find me. Fuck, I wish I had a cigarette out here. But I have to wait, wait for Lana to stop looking for me. I couldn’t face her. I couldn’t look her in the eyes, those gorgeous, soft blue eyes. I know how she’d look, I know the confusion that would be there and I know she’d look hurt too. Her pain would fold into mine and I’d scream at her and at Lucy… Lucy would take the brunt of it, I’m sure.
I couldn’t look in Lana’s eyes too long, I’d have to turn away and that would have me turning to that little whore Lucy and screaming at her like I was demented, I’m sure. Dad would wake up and then the shit would really get flying. So I have to stay quiet. Stay silent, stay hidden. For both of us.
I can’t get the image out of my head, or the sound. That tiny sound, just the faintest little moan of pleasure that was enough to wake me. Then to open my eyes and see them. To see Lucy half on top of my sister, to see their lips pressed together, mouths open to each other and sealed off from the rest of the world.
My heart lurches in my chest again, seemingly trying to free itself of my rib cage, maybe so it could jump off the roof. It’s an odd little image that almost makes me smile. But as the anger recedes I’m left with nothing but pain, pain and the urge to jump. If only it were six or seven stories higher.
So all I can do is stay quiet, and wait… God, I want a cigarette.
*****
Lana
I make my way back to my room, confused and more than a bit worried. Lucy is waiting in there for me, and when I walk in she gives me a questioning look. I just shake my head.
“No idea where she went… it’s not like this place is that big. I’m worried.”
Lucy gives me a half smile and takes my hand for a moment. “It’s okay, hon, I mean, she’s a tough li’l girl. I don’t get why she flipped out, though…” She looks down at the hand she’s holding, chewing on her lower lip lightly. “I mean, she’s definitely not the type I would expect to be paranoid about catching the gay or whatever.”
She’s right. I mean, Jen has had gay friends before, she’s not a homophobe or anything. I nod a bit in response to her and we contemplate it quietly. So if it had nothing to do with that kind of freak out, why would she? Then it hits me, and my jaw drops for a moment.
“Lucy… you don’t think she could be maybe… and then, if she was, you know… into you?”
I watch my best friend for a response and the same slow dawn of comprehension comes over her. She stares up at me, wide eyed. “Wow… I mean, I wouldn’t have thought, but that would explain things. Wouldn’t it? But… I so wouldn’t think I’d be her type.” Her look of puzzlement is comical, and I can’t help but giggle a bit.
“What, you don’t think she’d go for a girly girl? Maybe that’s why she’s so anti-mainstream.” I crack half a grin, hiding the relief I feel at having figured out a reason for Jen’s abrupt departure and subsequent disappearance. “It’s a love/hate thing. She resents the Gap girls and cheerleaders for making her want them so bad, but then she still wants them…”
Lucy giggles, lying back down on my bed. “So then, what do we do? I mean… about the whole thing?”
I sigh, looking back towards the door. “Well… for now, I think we let her go. I’ll talk to her tomorrow. She’s my little sister. I can live without… well, you know. Especially if it keeps her from being hurt. Cool?”
“Totally cool. She really is lucky to have a sister like you.” Lucy grins as I climb back into bed as well. “I woulda just been like, `Well… fuck her, who cares. I wanna have fun!'”
I laugh and pull up the covers around us, settling in, returning her grin. “Yeah, maybe so, but that’s cause you’re a selfish bitch.”
Her eyes go wide and, still smiling, she pulls her pillow out from under her head and whacks me with it, then begins to laugh. Soon we settle in and she’s drifting off again — but I can’t stop thinking, or worrying, about Jen.
It would make sense. Everything would fit if she had a crush on Lucy or something. She stayed downstairs with us, hung out with us all night without even being asked to. It fits, but it still doesn’t quite feel right. So, with a nagging feeling of doubt, I let myself slip off into a troubled sleep.
*****
Jen
I wait as long as I can stand the cold. It wouldn’t be so bad if I just had some pants. As I climb back in through my window I’m shivering and my fingers and toes are numb, my head hurts from crying and my cheeks sting from wind on wet tears. All is quiet, I seem to have avoided Lana’s search fairly well.
The first thing I go for is some heavier pajamas, flannel pants and a thermal weave top. Then straight to the bathroom, I draw a hot bath after locking the door behind me. As I watch the water fill the tub I’m drawn back to thoughts of pain… of making the blood flow as freely as my tears. They’re dark thoughts, but somehow comforting.
Finally I slip into the liquid warmth, the heat bringing full feeling and life back to my limbs, relaxing the stiff muscles. That brings its own twinges. The shock of the hot water on my cold skin… maybe that’s enough pain for now. Lana would freak if I actually went through with hurting myself in some fashion. Maybe that’s a reason to go through with it.
So many maybes. So many what-ifs. I need to stop being such a fucking drama queen. Give up on it. What does it all matter? I don’t honestly believe that with all the maybes and what-ifs in the world that she’d actually go for me. That especially includes the “What if she wasn’t my sister?” and “Maybe she’s into girls,” fantasies.
God, I’m fucking pathetic. I can’t even manage to find someone outside my own damn family to obsess on.
I brood in the tub until the water goes cold, then return to my room. As always I return to old habits — pacing the floor, smoking cigarettes and a bit of my private stash, taking the edge off my wandering mind. All too soon it’s starting to get light out. I still can’t face Lana, can’t look her or her hormonal sidekick in the eye. So I get dressed and start to walk. It’s going to be a long week.
Continue on to Chapter 3