Juicy Secrets Forbidden Tales of Lesbian Love

by Rachael Yukey

Tuesday, October 10th, 2006 (continued)

I woke up from a dream. Julie and I were kissing like those women in the story, and her hand was between my legs rubbing my clitoris. I could feel those waves coming fast, and that powerful feeling was starting to build again when I woke up.

As I came to my senses I saw that my light was on, I’d kicked the blankets off, and I had nothing on except my pajama top. I panicked. Was it morning? Had Mom come in and seen me like this? Oh Lord, where was Lisa’s book? And my diary?!

Then I looked towards the window… it was still dark outside. The clock on my wall read 2:17 A.M. I looked over the edge of the bed and saw Lisa’s book and my diary on the floor.

I collapsed back onto the bed, trying to steady my breathing. It wasn’t working. I realized that I was breathing funny because I was very aroused. It must have been the dream. I closed my eyes and tried to bring it back, but all I could remember were those last few moments, with Julie kissing me and touching me down there.

Almost on its own, my hand crept down my belly. Alarm bells went off in my mind, same as before, but this time they seemed distant and far away. I’m not sure I could have stopped even if I wanted to.

I was super-wet, so much that when I slipped two fingers into my folds it made a sloshing sound. I began to gently rub myself, picturing Julie touching and kissing me.

It only took a few seconds this time. Had I been touching myself in my sleep? Almost right away the waves were coming on top of each other and this amazing, powerful feeling was building up deep inside of me…

It was like my whole world exploded. I could feel a powerful sort of pulsing down there, and a strong surge of pleasure rippled out from my midsection and through my entire body. My back arched, my butt hung in midair, and I moaned out loud several times, unable to quiet myself. My thighs slammed together and my fingers, which still moved furiously, were mashed in between my labia. It seemed to last forever, but not nearly long enough!

As the sensations died out my butt crashed down onto the bed. I took my hand from between my legs—it was too sensitive now. I was gasping for air, taking long slow breaths to try and steady myself. I suddenly remembered that I’d made some noise, and listened carefully for footsteps downstairs. Nothing.

So THAT’S an orgasm! No doubt at all that’s what it was. The websites all said you’d know it if you had one. I couldn’t imagine anything in the whole world feeling better. Another word for it they used on the websites and in Lisa’s book was “coming”, and I thought it kind of fit. All the tension I’d felt earlier was gone, and I was all peaceful and relaxed.

I realized I was drifting off and jerked myself awake. I was lucky the first time, if I’d slept all the way through the night and Mom found me half naked with my diary and Lisa’s novel… I didn’t even want to think about it. I got my PJ bottoms and panties on and slipped downstairs. I wasn’t noisy, but I wasn’t going out of my way to be quiet. I get up to pee sometimes, and it never disturbs my parents.

In the bathroom I peed, then got a washcloth wet and scrubbed myself down there really good. I didn’t know if Mom would be able to smell what I’d been up to, and I wasn’t interested in finding out! I buried the washcloth in the hamper, then washed my hands and went back upstairs. I tucked the diary and the book back into their hiding space, turned out the light and got into bed.

It took me awhile to crash… the guilt was coming back. It wasn’t as awful as I felt before, but it was there. Is masturbating a sin against God? I totally bet it is. And what about getting excited while thinking about doing sex stuff with girls? I didn’t even have to wonder about that! Being gay was definitely against the teachings of The Word.

Is that what I am, then? A lesbian? Maybe not. After all, I got a tingly feeling when Julie was reading that story about the man and woman having sex. I tried to picture myself being kissed and touched by one of the cuter boys in my grade… ewww! I tried again, this time with a high school boy who had always been nice to me. That was different—I kind of enjoyed it. So maybe I’m into both, I thought. But that’s not any better. It’s not okay for girls to like girls that way, not even a little bit. Even if they also like boys.

All these thoughts were still chasing each other around in my head when I finally fell asleep.

***

Monday morning I woke up feeling tired but pretty relaxed. Wow, an orgasm sure is great for getting rid of stress. Thinking about it made me feel kind of guilty all over again, but it also made me start to feel all warm and tingly. Did I want another one already?! I pushed it away and went about getting ready for school.

Julie was waiting for me when I got off the bus, which makes her the best friend ever because it was cold! She hugged me and whispered in my ear: “Is everything okay?”

I gave her a huge smile. “Fine,” I said. “Let’s get inside before we turn into girlsicles.”

We both got giggling about that, and we went in together. Some other girls came and sat with us at breakfast so we couldn’t talk about much, but it was still really good to be together. We don’t get much time for breakfast anyway.

It wasn’t till after lunch on the playground that we got to be alone. It was just warm enough that we got sent outside for free time, and instead of going over to the playground with the other kids, Julie and I huddled behind the bus garage out of the wind.

“Did your parents fight any more?” Julie asked me.

“No,” I said, “they didn’t even talk to each other. Mom went to bed early, and Dad was still watching TV when I went upstairs.”

“So… did you read any of Lisa’s book?”

“Some of it,” I admitted. I’d been planning to tell her everything but suddenly it seemed kind of embarrassing to talk about.

“I read a bunch last night,” said Julie. “It was a terrible book, but I read all the sex stuff in it! And…” she looked around to see if someone was close. “I tried it,” she whispered. “You know, masturbating?”

Now I felt a little ashamed. Julie was willing to tell me everything, and I was holding back. But still I hesitated.

“Was it good?” I asked.

“Really good, for a while. I mean, really strong feelings, like big ripples through your whole body that feel amazing. But I don’t think I quite… I didn’t have an orgasm.” She looked disappointed. “At least I don’t think so. It’s supposed to be like this big ka-boom, right? I didn’t get that. It just leveled off and started to not feel as good as before. I finally just gave up and went to sleep.”

“I had one.” I hadn’t meant to say it, the words just tumbled out. I felt my face getting hot.

Julie’s mouth dropped open. “You WHAT?”

I gave her the short version of what happened the night before. Talking about it was getting me all heated up again, and Julie looked kind of flushed herself.

“Oh, my God,” she said when I was done. “That’s so incredible! I guess that means I shouldn’t give up, then. It was really that good?”

“Yeah,” I said, “It sure was.”

It was time to go in. I hadn’t told her about how guilty I felt. Julie seemed so excited and enthusiastic about it all, and I didn’t want to spoil it for her. She doesn’t have to worry about that stuff. She’s not a Christian. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t either.

That pretty much catches things up. I still have about twenty minutes before I’m expecting Mom at my door, and I’m feeling really heated up from writing about all this masturbation and sex stuff. I promised not to touch myself again until I get all this figured out, but I guess one more time won’t hurt.

 

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I promised myself on Monday that I wouldn’t masturbate again until I’d figured out whether I was committing a sin or not. But then yesterday morning I was writing in my diary, and the stuff I wrote about got me so aroused that I just HAD to touch myself again. I didn’t have much time before Mom came to wake me up, so I just stuffed my hand down the front of my pajamas. I wasn’t trying to think of anyone in particular, but I couldn’t help imagining that I was touching Julie there instead of me. She hasn’t had an orgasm yet, so it was really exciting to pretend like I was giving her the very first one! I came only a minute or two before I heard Mom coming up the stairs.

Last night I figured I’d flip through the rest of Lisa’s book and see if there was anything else worth looking at before I wrote in my diary. But part of me knew what I was really up to. I was looking for more sex parts.

It didn’t take long to find another one with those same two ladies getting together. I only read a little way into it before admitting to myself why I was really doing this, then I got completely naked. As I read about the two women touching and kissing all over each other’s bodies, I explored myself with both hands.

One weird thing really got me going, when the book described kissing. I traced my lips with my thumb, slipped it into my mouth, then pinched both lips between my thumb and index finger. Playing with my nipples kind of had the same effect. By the time I reached between my legs, it was dripping wet down there.

In the scene I was reading, the younger lady used her MOUTH to give the older one an orgasm! It also described how much she loved the taste of the woman’s juices. I thought that sounded gross, but after I came I got curious. I ran a finger around the outside edge of my vagina where it was the wettest, then brought it up under my nose and breathed in deeply. I noticed Sunday night that I liked the scent, but I’d been so upset at the time that I never took the time to get a real sense of how it smelled. It was nice, kind of strong, and a little bit musky. I felt myself getting all tingly again! I wasn’t expecting to like the taste but I screwed my eyes shut, stuck out my tongue, and licked the end of my finger.

I opened my eyes. I’m not sure the word “delicious” came to mind, but there was something… I tried to figure out the right word, and came up with one that the ladies in the book I’m reading kept using. Sexy. I’m not sure it’s a flavor I’d want to sprinkle on my chicken, but there was something warm and kind of dangerous and just plain sexy about the taste. I was getting aroused all over again! I shoved my finger into my mouth and sucked on it.

That did it. I had to touch myself again.

I was masturbating with my right hand, so I reached down with the left to get my finger nice and wet, then brought it up to my mouth and sucked the juices off. When I’d licked and sucked it clean I went back for more. The third or fourth time I did this I felt an orgasm coming, and knew right away it was going to be a big one. When it happened I rolled over onto my belly with my hand still between my legs and bit down on the pillow to keep from screaming.

After taking a moment to catch my breath, I got my pajamas back on. I know better than to let Mom come in the next day and catch me naked! I was too tired to write anything, and nothing else interesting had happened that day anyway, so I put the diary and book away, turned the light off, and climbed into bed.

But my brain was buzzing, and I couldn’t fall asleep right away. I can’t stop, I realized. It feels too good, and I want it too much. So what do I do?

Suddenly I realized that I wasn’t feeling particularly guilty, not anymore. Maybe a little twinge, but nothing like what I felt Sunday night. I thought about the Bible, and wondered why this kind of thing would be a sin in the first place. Why would God make us with these crazy strong urges, then tell us we’re not allowed to do anything about them? That’s just dumb.

I’m having a lot of rebellious thoughts about God lately. We do all these logic games in A.L. that teach us to think critically, but whenever I use that kind of thinking on the Bible I run across a ton of stuff that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I try not to think about it, but the stuff keeps smacking me in the head. It was with all these things troubling me that I finally fell asleep.

 

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006

My creative writing teacher in A.L. gave me an assignment today. He wants me to go back through the story I’m writing for his class and see if I can figure out where it might be better to use semicolons instead of commas. Guess I wasn’t using them when I was supposed to. Anyhow, I think I’ve got it figured out, so I’m going to try and throw some into this diary. We’ll see how it goes.

It’s been a week since I wrote anything, but I guess there hasn’t been much to tell. Julie got the flu and missed a bunch of school—Friday, Monday, and Tuesday. It killed me to not get to see her, and I was worried, too. We talked on the phone Monday night. She was doing much better, but her dad wanted to keep her home one more day. I read to her from our fantasy book for a little while. We talked again yesterday evening for about an hour. Just chattering—it’s not like we can talk like we really want to with our parents listening in. Julie said she was feeling fine, and would see me on the A.L. bus in the morning.

Other than that, there’s not much to write about. I’ve been playing piano a lot this last week. My teacher is giving me some heavy-duty practice goals, and they’re really hard to meet when Mom is always watching TV in the same room the piano lives in. So I’ve been grabbing time when she’s cooking dinner or out doing church stuff, and on Saturday I got Dad to drop me off at the church when he drove into town, so I could use the piano in the basement. I got five hours of practice that day!

Oh, and I’ve masturbated twice more. I’m trying really hard not to, but I keep having these sexy thoughts, and I get SO worked up! It just gets to a point where I can’t stand it, and I have to do something. If I wasn’t trying to hold back, I’d probably do it every day.

Mom woke me up this morning looking pretty droopy. Wednesday is A.L. day and I have to be up early and get driven into town. While I was getting dressed I had a bright idea.

“Hey, Mom,” I said as I entered the kitchen, “how come I don’t have an alarm clock in my room?”

She gave me a blank look.

“What do you want an alarm clock for?” she asked.

“Well,” I said, “I know you work really hard, Mom, and you’re tired a lot. I get myself ready for school, so if I had my own alarm you wouldn’t need to get up so early to get me out of bed.”

I could tell from her face that I had played it just right; she’d probably sleep half the morning if she didn’t have to wake up and pretend she was helping me get ready. Except for Wednesdays when she has to drive me in for A.L., but on those days I knew she’d sleep till the last second and drive me to town in her pajamas.

“I’ll think about it,” she said.

I kept my face still, but I was grinning inside. I knew I was getting my clock. I’d have to be careful the first few days, but before long I wouldn’t have to worry about falling asleep before hiding the evidence of my wicked behavior.

“By the way,” she said, “after I get back from Alex I’m scheduled to help set up for the Bible study potluck tonight. I’ll tell your father to come pick you up when the A.L. bus gets back.”

I was almost afraid to ask, but after the clock conversation had gone so well I was feeling lucky. “What if I went to Julie’s house after school?” I said. “Then I could ride home with you. Mr. Hanson said I could come anytime.”

“But I’ll be staying for the potluck and then Bible study,” said Mom. “I’m sure the Hansons haven’t planned on an extra for dinner.”

“So at dinnertime I’ll walk over to the church and eat potluck with you. Then we can be together for dinner, and Dad won’t have to stop working to come and get me.”

Oh boy, was I ever getting good at feeding my parents a load of baloney! I knew Mom would just gossip with the church ladies and completely ignore me at the potluck, and Dad doesn’t have a lick of work to do on the farm. It’s late in the year and still too wet to finish combining, so the corn that’s left in the field will probably have to wait till spring. Anyhow, I’m figuring out that my parents are fine with letting me do whatever I want, as long as it makes things convenient for them.

Speaking of gossip, I wonder if Mom and Dad realize how much people at church are probably talking about them now. If I was them I’d be too embarrassed to show my face there ever again.

Mom was thinking it over. “We should still call and make sure it’s okay,” she finally said.

“I will!” I said, going straight for the phone.

“Mallory! It’s too early to call people! What if they’re sleeping?”

“But they’re not,” I said. “Julie will be getting ready for school, same as me.”

Mom shrugged, so I picked up the phone and dialed Julie’s house. Lisa answered.

“Hi, Lisa,” I said. “It’s Mallory. I wanted to know if it’s okay for me to come over for a while after school.”

“Of course it’s okay! We love having you. Will you be staying for dinner?”

“I think my mom wants me to go to the church for the potluck,” I told her.

“Well, if you want to eat with us and it’s okay with your mom you certainly can. There’ll be plenty. Can’t wait to see you, sweetie.”

We said goodbye and hung up. Mom had disappeared into the living room while I was talking to Lisa, and I found her on the couch flipping through channels.

“It’s all set up,” I told her. “Miss Jenkins invited me to dinner. Do you want me to come by for the potluck anyway?”

Mom shrugged. It’s her new favorite gesture.“I’ll leave it up to you,” she said. “I’ll be helping out people who can’t serve themselves at the potluck, so I won’t see very much of you anyway. If you decide to eat at Julie’s house, come over to the church after dinner so I don’t have to come get you. It doesn’t have to be right away, Bible study runs till 7:30.”

I wanted to jump up and down, but kept myself under control. I finished getting ready, toasted a couple of Pop Tarts for breakfast, and Mom drove me into town to catch the A.L. bus.

As I was getting out of the Explorer I saw Lisa’s little Honda pull up to the curb just ahead of us. Julie practically bounced out of the car just as I was walking past, and we hugged. Lisa waved to me from inside and gave me a bright smile, then drove off.

“Where’s your dad today?” I asked as we climbed onto the bus.

“Out duck hunting with my grandpa this morning,” she replied. “It’s probably going to be the last time this year, because we’re running out of freezer space. We need to save room for deer season.”

I slid into an empty seat four rows back on the driver’s side, and Julie piled in beside me.

“Lisa doesn’t mind,” Julie went on. “She has to get up anyway to go to work. She works for the city.”

I knew that already, but I just nodded. Lisa’s the person at the city office who processes people’s utility payments. She probably does some other stuff too, but I don’t know what. Julie scrunched way down in the seat. I’m such a shrimp that it brought her face pretty much even with mine.

“I keep trying, and it keeps not working,” she told me in a low voice. I didn’t have to ask what she was talking about!

“Still nothing?”

“Not exactly nothing. It feels great for a while, but then it just kind of… fades out. All the websites said if you have one you’ll know it, so I’m pretty sure I haven’t.”

“It’s true,” I said. “You’ll know. It’s like… like a bomb exploding.”

“Well, I haven’t felt that. I want to! I just feel so frustrated when it’s over. Is it still working for you?”

“Yeah, I’ve done it a bunch of times now. It’s been working just great.”

I felt almost like I should apologize for that. Poor Julie! Building up all that excitement, and not getting the big payoff at the end.

“I wish I could help,” I said.

Julie shrugged. “I must be doing something wrong,” she said. “Hey, why don’t we read for awhile?”

It was Julie’s turn, so she pulled out her copy of the fantasy book we were on, found her place and began to read out loud.

It turned out to be a really great day at A.L. We did group problem-solving exercises in the morning, which meant I got to be partnered with Julie, and at my art class the teacher said she wants to send one of my line drawings to an art competition! She said I should find a really interesting medium to draw on, so I’m thinking about that. We have until the end of January to get our submissions in, so I have time.

That kind of assignment is what they call a type-three project. Julie is already working on one. While I’m in art she takes an electronics class, and she’s building some kind of device for electric guitarists. I really don’t understand what it is, but she’s pretty enthusiastic about it.

On the bus ride home I read to Julie, and as we approached the building I could see Jason’s pickup truck waiting for us at the curb.

“Thought you ladies might like a ride,” he said. “This damn wind is just vicious.”

We got our seat belts on and he pulled out of the lot.

“Did you get any ducks?” Julie wanted to know.

“Filled out our bag limit, and brought in a couple of geese to boot.” said Jason. “They’re in the garage; you and Mallory can clean ‘em when you get home.”

Julie shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve cleaned a duck, Dad… but I think you’re full of it.”

Jason sighed. “You were more fun when you were gullible,” he said in a pretend-sad voice. “But you’re right, dem birdies done already flown demselves into de freezer. So maybe you two can go down and bleach the basement walls instead.”

“Or maybe,” said Julie, “we can find another fun game to play. Like hang a cage from a tree in the backyard like in a pirate movie and stuff the evil tyrant in it. See how long it takes the crows to peck your eyes out. Whaddya think, Mal?”

I threw my arms into the air. “Mutiny on the high seas!” I hooted.

Julie and I both broke into a mad fit of giggles. We were just pulling up in front of the house and Jason put the pickup in park, killed the engine, and opened his door. A gust of icy wind blasted through the cab, making Julie and me squeal.

“Who the hell is building a crow’s cage in this?” said Jason. “Your mutiny is over before it even got started. The smart mutineer bides her time until the ship sails into warmer waters.”

No arguments from me! We got ourselves inside. The air was thick with a delicious smell.

“Lisa told me you might be eating here, Mallory,” Jason was saying. “There’s chili on. Don’t worry, it’s spicy but not insanely hot.”

“I like spicy,” I told him. “It smells amazing.”

“Good,” he said. “I have to go teach. Lisa should be home in about fifteen minutes. You two need anything before I go?”

“We’re good,” said Julie. He filled a travel cup with coffee, hugged us both, and left. Jason teaches guitar in a little back room at the Salvation Army store. I heard they let him use the space in exchange for helping fix some things up.

Julie and I found a snack, settled down on the living room couch, and chattered about our A.L. projects while we ate. Well, it started out that way. The talk turned to the sexy books we’d borrowed, and by the time Lisa walked in we were talking about masturbation and how Julie hadn’t been able to have an orgasm.

We hadn’t heard her car pull up, so when the front door opened we both shut up and gave each other guilty looks. Julie’s face was red, and mine probably was too. Lisa closed the door, looked first at one of us, and then the other, and pursed her lips. Then a smile tugged at the corners.

“Well, well,” she said, shrugging out of her coat and hanging it on the hook, “I don’t remember ever seeing you two with nothing to say.”

Lisa sure is pretty. She was wearing another of her floor length skirts, this time a pale yellow one made of thick material. She also had on a pink top with a scarf that matched her skirt. I think scarves are her favorite fashion accessory.

“Um… hi, Lisa!” Julie said, just a little too loud.

“Hi,” I got out.

Lisa giggled and started towards us, holding out her arms. “Come here, you two.”

We both got up, and she pulled us close. She smelled really nice, and I pressed my face against her. A guilty thought occurred to me: what would she think if she knew about the things I imagine about her at night? What would Julie think if she knew the thoughts I had about her?

Lisa let us go and disappeared into the kitchen, returning a moment later with a cup of tea. She sat down in one of the big overstuffed chairs, facing us. “So,” she said, still looking amused, “What are we talking about that’s so secret you clam up the moment an adult walks in?”

Julie and I looked at each other again, and I felt my face getting hot. I blush really easy, and I hate it!

Lisa laughed. “It’s okay,” she said. “I was your age once. If you don’t want to tell me we’ll drop it. But I want you both to know that you can talk to me about anything… and I won’t judge you or get mad. Who knows, it might even be something I can help with!”

Julie’s eyes widened, and I perked up a little myself. It hadn’t occurred to me that Lisa might be able to help with Julie’s problem! I already know she masturbates; after doing it myself I’m totally sure that’s what we heard her doing the second night I slept at their house! And she’s been doing it a lot longer than we have. So it made sense that she would know stuff we didn’t.

“Mal?” said Julie in a questioning voice.

I shrugged and made a face. Sure, I was nervous about talking to Lisa or any grownup about this stuff, but there was another part of me that WANTED  to talk to her about it. Badly.

Julie opened her mouth, then closed it again. She looked down at her hands.

“We were talking about the stuff we read in your books,” she said finally. Lisa’s smile grew wider. “And about how it made us feel. And… and we were talking about, you know… masturbating.”

Lisa leaned back into the chair, still wearing that lazy smile. “Is that all?” she asked. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, you know. Everybody does it.” She thought for a moment.“If I’m getting too personal, tell me to mind my own business, but are either of you doing that when you read my books? Or do you feel like you want to? The only time I ever read them is when I want to masturbate. They get me so hot, you could fry an egg on my stomach!”

I busted up at that image, but Julie was still staring at her hands. Finally she looked up. She tried a smile, and it looked good on her. I felt a powerful urge to lean over and kiss that smile, and oh Lord God, what is happening to me?

“I’ve tried it a few times,” Julie said. “That’s what we were talking about when you came in. It starts out feeling really good, but it doesn’t… you know… go anywhere.”

“You mean you haven’t been able to come yet,” said Lisa.

“Right! It really, really sucks.”

Lisa looked at me and raised her eyebrows. It was a question, but she didn’t ask it out loud. I looked right into her eyes and decided there and then to tell her everything.

“I tried it too,” I said, still staring into her eyes. Lisa’s eyes are this deep hazel color, and I just want to lose myself in them. “That first night, when I brought your book home. I touched myself, and it worked for me. I’ve had lots of orgasms since then.”

Lisa clapped her hands. “Good for you, Mallory,” she said, then looked back to Julie. “I was about a year older than you the first time I tried it. And it took some time before I was able to come. Can I ask a couple of questions?”

Julie nodded.

“First of all, do you read while you’re touching yourself?”

“No,” said Julie. “I read till I get really worked up, then I put the book down and do it.”

“Okay. What do you think about while you’re doing it?”

“Not much. Mostly what I’m doing, and trying different ways to keep the good feelings going.”

“Well, there’s your problem!” said Lisa. “It works best when you have a fantasy in your head. I sometimes read my books while I’m touching myself, or else I’ll read them for a while, and then close my eyes and fantasize about being one of the characters or something like that. You have to keep yourself excited. Your best erogenous zone is your mind.”

Julie and I knew about erogenous zones. We’d read all about them on the internet. Julie turned to me.“Is that what you do?”

“Yeah,” I said. “But I didn’t realize it was important till now, or I would’ve told you.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “Lisa, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, honey, anything.”

“You and Dad, you guys… ummm, you know… have sex, right?”

“You know we do,” Lisa replied with a laugh. “Don’t tell me you don’t hear it!”

Julie smiled. “Well… yeah,” she said. “So if you get to have sex, why do you still masturbate?”

“Well, sometimes your dad isn’t available when I want to have sex. Other times, I want to get into a fantasy of my own. Sometimes you want to picture yourself in situations you can’t actually be in, or with people you’d never have sex with. It’s no different from the fantasy novels you two read. You read them because they take you somewhere else, right? A sexual fantasy is like that. It doesn’t mean you’re not happy with where you are or who you’re with. I’m very happy… it’s just that different can be really exciting. Does that make sense?”

“Sure does!” said Julie.

I must have had a look on my face, because Lisa turned her attention back to me. “Did you have something you wanted to say, Mallory?”

“I…” I wasn’t sure how to bring it up. Finally I took a deep breath and just went for it..“It’s about the fantasies,” I said. “And the people you pretend you’re with. That book you loaned me has women doing stuff with other women, but never with men.”

“Sure,” she said. “Lesbian sex. Maybe I shouldn’t have given you that one, but it didn’t even occur to me. I picked it because it’s a better story than most of them, and it’s not part of a series. I don’t think anything of the lesbian stuff, because I’m bisexual. Do you know what that means?”

Julie answered. “I think it means you like both men and women, right?”

“Right. Or to be more specific, it means I’m sexually attracted to both. Your dad knows that, and he’s okay with it… just in case that’s your next question.” Julie blushed and giggled.

“So, Mallory,” Lisa said, “does the lesbian sex bother you? It’s a big turn-on for me, but if you don’t like it I have plenty of books that just have men with women.”

I struggled between telling an uncomfortable truth or a comfortable lie. But Lisa was being so helpful about all of this that I couldn’t lie to her.

“It turns me on too,” I said. I was looking down at the floor, and it was hard to talk. I went on in almost a whisper. “Thinking about girls and women turns me on. And that makes me scared, cus I think maybe it’s bad.” I was almost in tears.

Lisa got up, crossed to the couch and sat down beside me. She held out her arms, and when I fell into them she drew me into her lap. She stroked my hair, and Julie slid close to join our embrace.

“I know you’ve been taught to follow the teachings of the Bible,” Lisa said, “and maybe that’s what’s right for you. But I don’t believe that two human beings making each other feel good can ever possibly be bad. I don’t think any kind of love between two consenting people is wrong. And this I know for certain… you don’t get to pick who you’re attracted to. You didn’t ask to get turned on thinking of women, did you?”

I shook my head. I couldn’t talk.

“Now why would any loving God make you like that, and then tell you it’s bad?”

I forced the words out. “It could be the devil putting those feelings in me,” I said. “Or maybe God is testing me.” Now I was crying, just a little.

“Any God that would do something like that to a girl your age, or to anyone… that isn’t a God I can really believe in, or would want to follow,” she said gently. “I’m not telling you what you should believe, Mallory, or what you should do. I’m just saying you have the right to make up your own mind. Don’t let someone else make it up for you. Not your parents, not me, not anyone.” She paused. “I don’t  really know what the Bible has to say about a lot of this stuff,” she said after a moment’s thought. “I wasn’t raised in a religious household.”

“I know it says being gay is a sin,” I said, wiping my eyes. “Masturbating I’m not so sure of.”

“You should ask Jason,” Lisa said.

“You think we should talk to Dad about this!?” Julie blurted.

“Why not? Your father is more open-minded than you might think. It wouldn’t bother him. And even though he’s not a Christian, he knows A LOT about the Bible. More than some Christians, I bet.”

She was rubbing my shoulders now. I loved the feeling of her hands on my body. She moved her hands down my arm until she was rubbing my forearms, with her fingertips lightly tracing my belly though my t-shirt. It sent little shivers through me, and I realized with a start that I was getting turned on.

This isn’t my fault, I thought. Heavenly Father, if you don’t make these feelings go away, I’m going to stop fighting them. Lisa’s right, this isn’t fair. 

Suddenly I felt much, much better. I craned my neck to look up at Lisa, and smiled at her. She bent down and kissed my forehead. Julie put her arms around me again. I felt safe, happy and loved. I never feel like that at home.

A lot more happened this afternoon at Julie’s house, but it’s getting late again. I’ll get it all written down tomorrow. I need to find a way to keep these entries shorter or this diary is going to be longer than the Bible!

On to Chapter Six!